2017 has been some kind of crazy year, hasn’t it? There was bad stuff. We were faced with events that we’d like to wish away. Some believe that reality split in two with one person becoming president in this universe and the other person winning in an alternate universe.
We were told to be fearful of so many things. Some of us faced true danger; others were privileged enough to have never been at risk. If you got to December 30 without developing a drinking, drug, or food problem you are to be commended. If you had enough food to be an overeater, you were luckier than those who went without.
In 2017 I got a better job. I became a better jewelry and art maker. My health improved, but I also gained weight.
I lost a dog and a parent in 2017.
Does moving into a new year have any real significance? Sure, things will be the same tomorrow, but we can decide to change ourselves. We can, at the very least, change our attitude.
Let’s move forward and be better human beings in 2018. That’s my plan.
Let’s face it. The world is pretty messed up, and there’s not a lot I can do about it. There’s not a lot, but there is some. I think that people who care about the well-being of other human beings can play a small part in improving things. I believe that my part is to get the message out that we can’t let fear control us. We can’t let others use fear to control us. If I had the moxie and the time, I’d do a Kickstarter to help people deal with the fear that permeates our lives. I’d start an anti-fear non-profit organization. I’d develop an anti-fear or pro-courage app. I’m not that person, though. I’m an idea gal. I’ll use my writing and my art to inspire others to take the kind of action they are good at taking.
It was 3:00 am. I was awake in bed thinking about the state of the world. I shouldn’t do that. These days are looking like the days when I spent a lot of time worrying about all the bad things I was hearing on the news. Now it’s all the bad things I’m seeing on the Internet. This must stop! I must abandon my tendency to worry about stuff I cannot control. It will make me sick.
What can I control? I can control my thoughts. Well, sometimes it seems that I can’t control my thoughts. This is the crux of the problem.
The world does sometimes seem awful, but my little world is not really that bad at all. I live in a safe community. I have money for food, clothing, a car, and a roof over my head. I have a loving husband. I have friends. The list goes on. Why is my focus so often drawn to the negative? I think fear does that. Fear is powerful. It makes us do awful things to others and to ourselves. If there’s one thing I need to abandon it’s fear. There’s the answer! I’ll just get on with abandoning fear.
She walks about the world with a tight jaw that suggests habitual muscular patterning. That might be the technical term for the way she locks herself. Is her temporomandibular joint disorderly? This is where she keeps the fear she pretends she doesn’t have.
She applies a circular massaging pressure to the joint with an insistent thumb. She feels release for a few moments, but it doesn’t last. It’s not really about muscles. It’s about thoughts.
With the jaw fastened tightly, it’s hard to breathe. Breath is necessary. A jaw held too firmly stiffens the neck. A stiff neck can’t turn to look back. Is that the fear? Is she afraid to look back?
In the 70s, when I was a child, I was convinced that the world would end in a nuclear war. I was very worried about this, but times changed and the chances of having a nuclear war seemed to diminish. Now we’ve got North Korea aiming missiles at us, so my old fear is resurrected. Admittedly, I’ve got tons of other stuff to worry about such as breast cancer, homelessness, becoming a widow, my dog running away, blah, blah, and blah.
Guess what? I’ve got a brand new fear. Fear of being shot by a toddler. During the past week I’ve heard two stories about 4-year-olds shooting people. One person died, the other was in critical condition (last I heard). It seems that toddlers are the new menace to society. There’s a preschool near where I work; you won’t catch me anywhere near it. I might also have to steer clear of grocery stores. You see a lot of toddlers in grocery stores, and they’re often cranky. Now that they have guns, no one is safe.
Of course I’m kind of kidding, but still, you never know.
I decided to do some descriptive writing, and construct the places where my characters will live and work. My first idea for a location is a place like Heaven, a Perfect Place. One of my characters dies and goes there. I think she’ll be flitting between her world and ours. It’s the start of an actual plot!
So I went over to the table by the window, set up my iPad, and connected the keyboard. Butterflies started fluttering around in my stomach. I wasn’t sure I knew what to write, or even if wanted to write.
I listened to some old episodes of the Writing Excuses podcast last night and got inspired. They were talking about getting published and it made me realize that publishing a novel is not really a dream of mine. I really could take it or leave it. That sounds healthy eh? But, if I’m writing simply for writing’s sake, why am I so nervous? Why do I keep checking the word counter to see how I’m doing?
Clearly, it’s fear. Isn’t it? If it is, what am I afraid of? Hopefully, if I keep writing, I’ll find the answers?
I listen to, and love the Wrestling with Depression podcast. I think I’d like to be interviewed by Marty DeRosa. When he talks to people so much comes out. I think I could learn a lot about myself by having a conversation with Marty. Alas, I don’t think I’m interesting enough to be on his show. Maybe if I go into stand-up comedy in Chicago someday…
It snowed this morning! It was in the upper 60s yesterday and today it snows. I’ve really got to move to San Diego. Why do I live in Indiana? That’s a story I’ve probably already related in this blog, or in one of its previous incarnations so I won’t go any further. In fact, I think that this post has run its course.